Pēpē #4 (“#4”) is three months now, and in short, we are still adjusting but doing great.  Number 4’s due date was July 18.  There was a lot of excitement as baby’s due date approached with many guesses that baby would come early.  I remember my Braxton Hicks getting pretty intense at times, and sometimes it felt as if there was a regular pattern around dinner time.

But in my mind, in consideration of how accurate my due dates have been in the past–my second child was born on her due date and my third child was born 2.5 hours after his due date–I thought that baby was either going to come on the due date or after.  Although I thought this, I also felt more and more uncomfortable as our due date approached.  I remember feeling the need to stay close to home, not stay out too long, and the importance of resting up as much as possible before baby was born.

Similar to all of my babies’ births so far, #4 came during the night.  In preparation for #4’s birth, and reflecting on our last birth with Pēpē #3, we wanted to make sure that we would be able to get the tub set up quickly.  Lightning speed quick.  I remember telling my husband that he better do some drills, or what ever he needs to do, in order to make sure that the tub is ready this time.

On the days leading up to baby’s birth, this time it felt different than this period of waiting before the births of my other babies.  For the first time, I wasn’t too anxious or focused on getting everything ready.  Things were ready…enough, I guess you could say.  I felt very relaxed and happy just doing nothing.  I would drop off the kids at school/daycare, then go and enjoy nature at the park.  It was wonderful.

The night before baby was born, a dear friend texted me in a way to subtly let me know that baby would be born that night.  I felt ready.  Despite having birthed babies more than once at this point, I still feel as if it’s the first time in many ways.  But like with every preparation for birth, we prepare as much as we can.  Getting ready in every aspect:  physically, mentally, emotionally.

In anticipation for baby’s arrival, I knew for sure that I needed to get to bed as early as possible.  I remember sleeping lightly.  It was probably partially excitement, and partially nervousness.  While half-sleeping, I remember feeling some Braxton Hicks and doing my best to not focus on it too much.  Then my water broke.

Pop!  I remember thinking, “did my water just break?  Nah…just go back to sleep.  Oh wait, I think my water broke.”  Then I stood up, and sure enough, my water broke.

Noticing the pattern of my prior births, I went to the bathroom to wipe up and immediately told my husband that it was time.  I think it’s when my water breaks that that turns a switch in my mind and it’s “all business” so to say.  “Business” in terms of being disciplined and doing what we prepared and practiced with regards to tools and pacing that I know works for me while laboring and preparing for baby’s transition to Earthside.

Unlike our last birth, my mom came to pick up my older kids and got to our place relatively quickly.  I remember hearing her voice and her asking my husband a bunch of questions while I was laboring in our bedroom.  I closed our bedroom door so that I was better able to focus on remaining relaxed and breathing.

Before we knew it, the contractions were intense and it felt like it was time.

Oh wait, did I mention that my midwife didn’t arrive yet?  Haha  Oh yeah, minor detail.  (Half serious.)

I went to the bathroom, and I was ready to get in the tub.  All of my husband’s drills and training paid off:  the tub was ready!  At this point, I didn’t know how dilated I was.  All I knew is that the contractions were intense and I figured that if it was too early and if my contractions “stalled”, then I would just get back out of the tub.  If anything, I would just get in the tub for a breather then get out if I needed to.

After getting in the tub, and I will never forget this, my husband asked me, “do you want me to check how dilated you are?”  At the time I was thinking, “WTH!  Um….wait, did our midwife tell my husband to ask me that?”  I told my husband, nah.  Even ’til this day, I trip out thinking about how my husband asked me this; he gettum 😉

The water is so helpful to me, but I also remember feeling so much pressure still.

Our midwife’s assistant arrives, and I remember thinking to myself, “ok, baby is going to come now.”

Then it happened.

Without any thought or conscious effort, this force and wave of energy seemed to push thru me to bring baby forth.  In.One.Push.  In one push, baby went from inside of me to outside of me.  Baby hung out with head exposed until the next wave of energy came to being completely exposed.

I embraced baby and brought baby to my chest.  This moment is like no other.  Time stands still.  Everyone and everything else in the room seems to fade away.  All the pain and what ever brought us to this point fades away.

It wasn’t until minutes after holding baby on my chest did we realize to check if baby is a girl or boy.  Itʻs a GIRL!!!  Healthy.

If I had describe this birth in one word, it would be “peaceful.”  Even with baby’s speedy transition, two hours from the time my water broke ʻtil the time she was born, I felt very much at peace.

We are filled with so much aloha and so thankful.  In awe and giving thanks.

This is still a work-in-progress, and I think it will be a constant process for me, but it has been a reoccurring theme in my life of being sure to mahalo i ka mea i loaʻa (to be thankful for what we have).  It’s usually easier, or my first instinct, many times to think of, “oh but what I really wanted was this,” or “ugh, we still don’t have that,” or “if this would just happen then all of our problems would be solved.”

This process has been ironic for me as I would say I’m usually a positive, optimistic, half glass full-type of person.  It has taken some time for me to realize the effects of my negative, deficit thoughts, and how it’s easy to get caught in this downward spiral.

When I stop myself in these negative thoughts, and change it to a positive, I already feel the positive effects in my life even though nothing may have actually changed (except for my perspective).

To further this practice, I usually try to take a moment during the day–for me, usually first thing in the morning and/or at night before fall asleep–to take a moment to pause and think about all that I am thankful for.

How do you practice gratitude?

As we prepare for our fourth pēpē (baby), I felt the urge to want to share this.  I think I’m finally able to articulate these feelings, and we’ve some how figured out how to get better at communicating what we need from each other to work as a team.  I know a lot of other moms can relate to this, but I write this for my husband.  Not because he demands an explanation or anything like that, but more so because I know we sometimes hear each other differently when the message is delivered in different forms.  But mainly, I write this as a mahalo to him as well for loving me through these transitions as we build our ʻohana and navigate the constant changes…yet things really being much of the same.

There are just some super powers, which some refer to as a “mother’s instinct,” that I believe wāhine do possess.  Whether it’s knowing how when our keiki are coming down with a cold, or watching out for keiki #2 because you know she’s clumsy, or simply a naʻau (gut) feeling that “x” will happen.  It really is quite crazy sometimes how I can sit up at night thinking about what we are getting prepared for in the coming day and all the possible scenarios that cross my mind of what could go wrong.

All of this may sound pretty crazy, but it’s real.  And I know I am not the only one.

(To my husband:)

So mahalo for loving me through it all, and most of all, your patience.  I know I haven’t been as patient…in fact, I’m usually the opposite:  impatient.  Nothing ever seems fast enough for me.  I will try to be more patient.  But I hope this will help to explain why I’m so impatient.  From my perspective, I had already played this scenario in my mind and anticipated this happening.  Most times I feel like I’m benched during the game–whether I’m sitting and breastfeeding, under limited activity while I’m pregnant, or just plain tired–and I see you playing the game and want to cheer you on.  I know my “cheers” may sound more like orders, so I will work on that too.

I know I don’t always acknowledge or express my gratitude as often as I should, but mahalo for all that you do.  I will work on being better at that too.

MAHALO and I love you.

Holy smokes!  Time is flying!!!  It’s been wayyyyy too long since I’ve posted, but I’m happy to be back!

This year has been a whirlwind so far.  How has it been for you?

I think it was last week (yes, the beginning of April), when I FINALLY cracked up and actually wrote something in my Passion Planner.  Geesh!

With about a quarter of the year gone, how are you progressing towards reaching your goals?

Not sure if you’ve heard but I’m pregnant!  We’re rocking and rolling as an ʻohana of five right now, and will welcome pēpē #4 this summer.  So some plans have changed, and some are still the same 😉  I’m learning to just roll with it.

Am I the only one that feels like this year is flying by?

As 2017 is coming to a close, I am excited for the start of a new year, and also reflecting on all that has transpired over the year.  Quite honestly, as it seems that these are shared feelings with many people I know, 2017 was…challenging at times, and perhaps we could call it a “building” year.  But yet, I remember conscious efforts that I have made and continue to do to remind myself how much has really gone on this year.  For one, we had a baby!  To further mahalo all of the experiences had in 2017, these next upcoming posts will highlight some of the lessons that I seem to have been a strong theme for me throughout the year.

A lesson that I continue to struggle with is balance.  Balancing self, family, and the various roles that I play, and the various things we are involved in as an ʻohana.  Reflecting upon this lesson, that I know will be a life-long marathon-type journey, I should also acknowledge that I took the leap and made changes in my life, and effectively impacted my ʻohana, to prioritize what we (my husband and I) felt needed to be prioritized:  our ʻohana.  I left a job that I enjoyed to take care of my baby and ʻohana.  It was a difficult decision as I enjoyed the job that I was at, but also knew that I wanted to be home with my baby and care for my ʻohana.  At the same time, I made this decision in taking the leap to pursue my goal of developing a business that I knew I wanted to pursue but did not yet know how that would take shape.

In the end, as in the end of the year since this is an on-going lesson, I think the lesson is this:  live your life the way you want to live it and share your magic with the world.  There are only 24 hours in a day.  It is too easy to go through life where the days pass you by, you put off doing “x” ’til “when you have time,” or even just struggling day-to-day.  Why spend the majority of your day working a job that isn’t where you want to be, or isn’t your fullest self of what you want to share with the world?  Or perhaps this looks like sticking with your job because of “x,” but hustling outside of work to transition to that THING that makes your heart sing.  Maybe it’s your hobby of doing some kind of craft, maybe it’s exercising, maybe it’s starting a side hustle?  What ever it is, do it.  DO. IT.

As a friend told me, “Dream.  Ok, now dream BIGGER.”  What ever your “it” is, another way to look at it may be to think about what your perfect day would look like.  Does it involve eating breakfast?  Exercising?  Reading a book?  Talking with a friend?  Design your day for your ultimate happiness (and I can almost guarantee your health will improve because of it too!).  What have you got to lose?

What is your magic that you want to share with the world?  What is that “it” piece that is part of your perfect day?  The wise and widely-discussed question (not my words):  What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?