Transitions.  Especially since having children, I feel like their growth has made me realize how fast they are growing and we (my husband and I) are trying to keep up as we are on this journey.  Just in a baby’s first year of life, there are so many things that happen–exponential growth, development, and transitions from one stage to the next.  As we try to keep pace, and maybe even get ahead at times to anticipate the next phase, I find myself thinking and realizing that there are clear changes within myself now as a parent versus to my pre-parent self.  Perhaps this could develop to be a poem of sorts with the recurring dakine…just read ‘um below.

Before kids, I never knew that I would want to be a stay-at-home-mom.

Before kids, I never knew that I would value things like a baby’s perfectly shaped round head.

Before kids, I never knew that I would worry about the most nonstatistically-likely dangerous thing happening when it comes to my kids.

Before kids, I never worried about money, paying bills on time, or making sure there would be enough to pay for my daughter’s school tuition.

Before kids, I never knew the difficulty in choosing the right school, or other important life decisions for my children, would keep me up at night.

Before kids, I never knew that kids had to be taught how to do, what I thought were, “simple” things–how to eat, how to sleep (at normal sleeping hours).

Before kids, I never knew why my mom was always such a worrier.

Before kids, I never appreciated my mom as much as I do now.

Before kids, I never knew how much I would willingly sacrifice for my kids.

Before kids, I never knew how much I would love being a mom.

I could go on, but I think it would be SUPER cool if you would share how you would fill-in-the-blank.  “Before kids, I never knew______________________________.”  Comment below.

After being home with me since April, my daughter started preschool this week.  I’ve been feeling a mix of emotions as we are all transitioning into this new chapter.  In sum, I guess you could say that it’s a little bitter sweet.

Bitter

On my daughter’s first full day of preschool, she cried when we dropped her off.  Surprisingly, my husband and I didn’t cry.  It never gets easier hearing your keiki cry, but I think I knew that she would be fine and I trusted that she would be well taken cared of.

After returning home, I had the entire day to get to the mounting “to do” list that I’ve been wanting to get to for many moons.  Good, right?!  Well, I got to some things, but also found myself checking the clock more times than usual to see how much closer it was ’til the time for me to pick my daughter up at the end of the day.

It’s been a transition for all of us.  My daughter’s daily schedule will now be changed, and I have no one to share my meals with, no one to scold when she’s getting into mischief when I’m breastfeeding my other daughter, no one to cheer for me when I relieve myself on the toilet.

Sweet

On my daughter’s second day of preschool, she didn’t cry when we dropped her off.  Just in this first week, we can already tell that this is the right school for our daughter.

I’m slowly finding my way to get to the things I know I need to do now that my daily schedule is different.  I realized that I need to keep myself busy and do the things I need to do because if I don’t, then I’ll just sit around and worry about my daughter at preschool.

A major highlight is that I am now able to focus all of my attention on my baby.  Baby seems to notice that her tita is no longer kissing her head every five seconds, or making a ruckus when she’s trying to sleep.  But, my baby also seems to be enjoying the one-on-one time.  It is such a special time for all of us!

This week, my daughter started preschool.  She is attending a Hawaiian immersion preschool, and we are excited for her ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi to be carried throughout her day-to-day life.  This is a little precursor to tomorrow’s post that will be more about my perspective on our transition so far with my daughter starting preschool.  This post focuses more on my week’s epiphany on feelings of vulnerability and how my daughter’s transition into preschool will be a collective ʻohana journey.

Vulnerability

Leading up to my daughter’s first week of preschool, I tried to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for this transition.  In trying to assess my emotions, I think I realized why I was so nervous: there’s a sense of vulnerability with trusting in the school, and other ʻohana whose keiki attend the school, and not wanting to be judged for X, Y, or Z.  Especially because our keiki are a reflection of us, my husband and I, our kūpuna and so on, I think one’s natural response to one’s keiki is to judge the parents–either positively or negatively.  I’m glad I was able to check myself as these feelings started to cause some anxiety because while I know that my husband and I aren’t perfect, we’re trying.  I wouldn’t consider my husband and I to be a blueprint for others to follow, but I know we must be doing something right.  We’re doing the best we can and that is enough.

Immersion, all in!

Shortly before my husband started law school, we’ve come to learn the saying that “when a family member goes to law school, the entire family goes to law school.”  This saying cannot be more true with my daughter starting at a Hawaiian immersion preschool.  My daughter’s preschool is generally known by many for the deep parent involvement.  The more I learn about the different ways that the parents will be involved, and the different kuleana, the more I keep thinking that this is the way that it’s supposed to be.  So here we go!  We’re all jumping in!

The Bar Exam.  Re-visited.  I am planning on taking the February 2016 bar exam.  Since I’ve already shared about my experience in not passing the bar exam the first time I took it, I thought it would also be helpful for those interested to know a little bit more about the bar exam.  My comments are specific to my personal experiences, and specific to the Hawaiʻi bar exam.

A bit of a dry post, but I hope this will continue to open the discussion about the bar exam.  Nation-wide, there are continuous efforts to evolve within law schools, the profession, and the different standards set forth.  On a more personal level, you’ll be more well-prepared if/when someone you know, or perhaps yourself, decides to take the bar exam.

A little background about the bar exam

The bar exam is a comprehensive exam that tests 13+ subjects, some subjects one may have taken in law school, but it is rare (in fact, I don’t know anyone for which this is not true) for someone to have taken every subject tested on the bar in law school.  Regardless, the bar exam is its own thing and may test different rules of a given subject area compared to what is taught in a semester law school course.  Many people will ask, “so what area of law do you specialize in?”  It doesn’t matter for the bar exam; one needs to know all subjects tested.

In Hawaiʻi, the bar exam is a two-day, all day test.  There are no scheduled breaks, with the exception of lunch.  The bar exam includes 6 essay questions (35 minutes each), 2 “closed universe”-type real lawyer assignments (90 minutes each), and notoriously known 200 multiple-choice questions.

There are two issues that I’d like to highlight regarding the bar exam studying process:  financial costs, and studying itself.

Financial costs are HUGE!

Ok, here it is:  it costs about $2000 to take the bar exam.  It is about $800 to take the bar exam, and upwards of $1200 for a preparatory course to help you study for the bar exam.

Aside from the costs that add up to just take the bar exam, it is usually recommended that a bar exam taker treat studying as a full-time job.  This means multiple things, but mainly that a bar exam taker does not usually work (for money) while also studying for the bar exam full-time.

Studying is…not (always) fun.

Studying day after day is difficult.  Add to studying everyday, the compounding factors of increasing insecurity of what you thought you already knew or learned, the trickiness of how the bar exam tests the material that one must know to be deemed competent, and the added pressure of what’s at stake with taking the bar exam to become a licensed attorney.

There’s a saying that the “law is a jealous mistress.”  Similar to law school, bar study can easily suck every minute of your day.  This may mean sacrificing attending a family event or outings with friends.  It is most difficult for me to see the sacrifices that my family must make in order for me to put my best effort forward to pass the bar exam, but I am forever appreciative for their support.

The flip side to studying being a full-time job is that stamina is key.  It is critically important to maintain balance to be able to sustain the marathon schedule of studying for the bar exam while also trying to “peak” at the right time on exam days.

Another piece to balance is to stay level-headed enough to not freak out because of the stress.  It can be especially difficult with some subjects that may seem foreign, especially when you haven’t studied the subject before.

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With that said, I am setting my focus on preparing to pass the February 2016 bar exam.  After not passing the bar exam, I re-visited why I want to pass the bar exam.  The reason why I want to pass the bar exam and become a licensed attorney is quite simple:  to best serve the Native Hawaiian community, my community that I had always set my goals on serving.

In hopes of maintaining balance throughout this process, I will focus my energy on being disciplined with my time and study schedule.  Focusing my energy on studying and following my personalized study schedule will enable me to take my scheduled breaks to enjoy with family.