Aʻo aku, aʻo mai.  To teach, to learn.  Or as I’ve experienced, it’s a give and take of sorts where I am not only the teacher to my children, but my children teach me.  I can’t pinpoint an exact event that brought this topic to my mind, but it has been something that continues to be at the forefront of my mind as I learn from my children daily.

There are a couple of different ways that this arises.  First, I continue to learn how I must keep myself in check and be aware of how I may be (implicitly or explicitly) imposing my personal biases.  Second, the lessons I’ve learned thus far in becoming a mother are widely applicable to various aspects of life.  In many ways, my children are teaching me so many more things than I am teaching them.

Aʻo aku

What I am explicitly teaching my keiki is often more easily tangible than what I am implicitly teaching my keiki.  This may seem obvious for some.  However, when teaching my keiki, I often times need to check myself and my own biases that I’m imposing on my keiki.

Interestingly, I see my daughter picking up on my biases that I am portraying, whether explicitly or implicitly, when she “mirrors” it back to me.  In addition to biases, and this is likely more obvious, my daughter will also mimic my behaviors.

A note on implicit biases:  I took a class in law school called Implicit Bias, and we used these tests on this website to assess our implicit biases.  It’s very eye-opening!  Check it out!

Aʻo mai

Recently, while my daughter was reading (she can’t technically read yet, but she’s pretty much memorized the story and will flip through the book and “read”/paraphrase the story from memory) through one of her books, she asked me what something was and pointed to the object.  This isn’t new behavior for my daughter.  She’ll often “quiz” me, or anyone who is reading with her, probably because we ask her the same questions.  Nevertheless, I asked her what it was so that she would answer.  She kept asking me so I thought that maybe she didn’t know.  So I answered her and she said excitedly while clapping her hands, “pololei, Māmā!  Maikaʻi!” (correct, Māmā!  Good!), similar to what I usually tell her.  I laughed and thought of how I am more often the student than I probably realize when it comes to my keiki.

More broadly, as a non-native speaker and someone that began as the least knowledgeable person with regards to ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi between my husband and I, my keiki have forced me to up my game, especially with ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi.  Speaking only ma ka ʻōlelo Hawaiʻi to our keiki, it has forced me to learn how to express myself when I didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say.

Many transitions seemed to have been taking place this year.  The transitions are not only on a personal level, but also experienced as an ʻohana.  I remember before giving birth, I would always think “what is it like to go from one child to two?”  I’m still new to this new gig, but here’s how I would fill-in-the-blank to the following sentence.

Going from one child to two is _________.

• Amazing – it’s hard to imagine how you can love your one child so much, and then love another child just as much.  I’m not sure how it all happens, but it’s magical.
• Constant – when one is on the toilet, the other will want to nurse.  When they are sleeping, the urge to do things that you’ve been meaning to get to is even stronger than it was when you just had one baby (or at least in my experience).  After getting lunch ready, it will be time to nurse again, and after nursing it’ll be time to put them down for their nap.
• At times, chaotic – sometimes you’ll just want a break.  Breaks are good!
• Somewhat the same – the laundry will still be there, the dishes will still be there.  Some days are easier than others.  There are still only 24 hours in a day.
• Like becoming an octopus – at times, I’ll think that I won’t be able to carry everything on top of having to carry our two babies.  Then, as if I’ve grown six additional arms/legs, it all ends up working out.
• Like nothing else – with the intensity and continuity of having two babies, there seems to be double the amount of craziness and magic.  When I need it most, my eldest daughter will tell me, “it’s ok, Māmā” and be so loving.  People have said how siblings start to really enjoy each other’s company when the younger sibling is around 6 months old.  In our experience, it seems that since birth, our girls really took to each other and we notice how loving our eldest daughter is to our younger daughter, and how our younger daughter reacts to our eldest daughter.  All-of-a-sudden, after our youngest daughter was born, it’s as if our older daughter grew up really quickly!

Typically, our day starts off with breakfast, then when baby is taking a quick nap, I’ll work on some haʻawina (lesson) with my older daughter.  Some mornings I’ve been taking the girls to go walking so we can get out of the house for a little bit and get some exercise.  Before we know it, it’s time to start getting lunch ready.  My older daughter usually eats lunch, and I may eat a little something to hold me over ’til I eat lunch.  But, I’m usually tending to both girls around lunch time.  While my older daughter is eating, I’m usually helping her eat, or telling her to sit down and eat, and breastfeeding the baby.  Girls will take a nap around 1pm, then I will usually do some cleaning up and rest as well.  Girls are usually up by 4pm, and before we know it, Pāpā is home.

Some of our weekly craft activities.

With that said, I like that we have a loose schedule.  I’m happy now that baby is old enough to go outside of the house, and have found that works well for all of us to have a balance of spending our mornings outside of the house and days where we stay home.  We are quite busy bees with our weekly activities, much busier than I anticipated!  So much so that I started to write a short notation on a calendar to keep track or what we do everyday.

Transitioning to Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM)

Transitioning to being a SAHM is a totally different, but sometimes overlapping, transition.  Initially, I remember thinking that maybe this SAHM gig wasn’t for me.  About three weeks after baby #2 was born, I had a chance to jump on my computer one day.  It was then that I realized that I missed having some time to surf the internet, hear myself think, or respond to emails.

As a SAHM, while I had these kuleana before transitioning to a SAHM, these kuleana have become more of my focus.  In my role as a SAHM, I am mainly focusing on the household things – preparing meals, cleaning – becoming (once again) the primary care provider for our girls, getting my older daughter ready for preschool, and what a job would call, “other related tasks.”  Within the “other related tasks” category are our ʻohana’s long-term goals, and project(s) that Elwen and I have been working on (more details to come soon!).

In preparing to transition to be a SAHM, I used to think that I was a pretty productive person that could multi-task.  Since becoming a SAHM, often times there are things that I want to do, but it will take about 5x longer to do that one task than anticipated.  There are times when I’m able to do things around the house while the girls are awake, but when they are napping, I usually want to nap (or at least rest) too.

Interestingly, I never expected to be so busy.  Sure, I expected to be busy with watching my girls, but I didn’t expect to be busy with our other endeavors.   But it is a welcomed busy, and I am honestly enjoying every aspect of being a SAHM – being able to watch my girls, provide for my family, and help to work towards our long-term goals.  It is a welcomed busy because we are able to control how busy we want to be and it also helps carve out space where I maintain my sense of self.

I feel myself growing and continuing to transition into this new role everyday.  By no means do I have this all figured out.  And as you can imagine, my girls are teaching ME!  At times I feel as if I’ve been benched while the rest of the team is playing for the game, but I KNOW that I’m doing exactly what I should be doing right now.  Ultimately, I’ll definitely cherish this time (especially with the sacrifices made to make this happen because it is well known how high the cost of living is in Hawaiʻi), and am soaking it all in!

I’d LOVE to hear how other mamas or papas have transitioned and their experiences!  Maybe transitioning to being a first time mom, or transitioning from one child to how ever many you have!

In various aspects of our lives, it seems that the constant struggle and goal is achieving balance.  Balancing play with work, or balancing rest with activity.  We, baby (37 weeks) and I, just finished the bar exam this week.  As we adjust back to “normal” life, and in further preparation for baby’s arrival, the constant struggle with achieving balance has re-centered itself to the forefront of my mind.  I definitely don’t have all the answers, and hope that you will share how you achieve balance.  What is balance?

I think I am not only struggling with figuring out what balance is–what that looks like, how does one maintain balance, etc.–but I am also riddled by society’s expectations.  Why is a mom expected to return to work 6-8 weeks after baby is born?  Why does one (male or female) have to work?  Sure, there’s the obvious answer of needing to make money.  But, really?  I wouldn’t describe myself as lazy, and I understand the reality of having to do “adult”-like things and pay our bills, but there must be a bigger reason.  Sure, I can see that when one has the “right” job that they’re meant to do, that one is passionate about, then the work may not seem like “work.”  But does this job also afford for flexibility to allow for one’s family to be a priority?

Again, I do not have the answers.  But, the way I see it, I would seek a job that would allow me the flexibility to ensure that my family remains a priority.  Perhaps this looks like allowing me the flexibility to bring my baby to work.  Perhaps this looks like my employer providing child care at my job.  Perhaps this looks like being allowed flexible hours, or even flexible work locations (e.g., the ability to work from home).  My husband often jokes with me that it is ironic that I am a stay-at-home mom considering that I went to school to earn three degrees.  And during our most recent discussion on the topic, the topic of this blog and this constant struggle began to crystallize.  What job is more important than raising your kids?

Our family goal and plan is for me to stay home with baby for at least the first year.  We did this with our first child, and found it to be meaningful not only for me as the primary provider, but also for our daughter.  In order to make this happen, we’ve had to make sacrifices.  And just for further context, while I would describe our lives as being very fulfilling and rich with all that we have, we are a family size of four with moderate income living in Hawaiʻi (a place that has a well-documented high cost of living).  While I may not have all the answers, we do have our ideals and hope to make it work.

How do you achieve balance?  In an ideal world, how would you describe the perfect job?  What are some things that you think a job could offer to enable you to make your family a priority?

Our daughter was born on November 9, 2012 at home (pictured above).  She was born at home into the loving and safe environment of family (me and my husband), our midwife who is also a naturopathic doctor, and the midwife’s awesome assistant and doula.  Choosing to have a home birth was one of the best decisions of my life, and we look forward to welcoming baby #2 into the world with a home birth too!

I LOVE telling our birth story to those who are interested, but most people think I’m crazy.  At the core, I wanted to highlight the awesome power that wahine before us, and that will come after, possess–which I refer to for the purposes of this blog post as, “women powahhh!”  While I came to believe and learn about woman powahhh through our daughter’s birth, I have often tapped back into this same core of mana for everything in life–getting through law school, continuing to grow and learn to become a mother and wife, and the list is growing!

The woman has the powah!  Coming from the perspective that the woman possesses the strength, wisdom, and know-how to birth a baby, this manaʻo resonates and is consistent with not only Hawaiian manaʻo and mythology (especially with regards to birthing), but also other knowledge about birthing shared by midwives with generations of experience in assisting with births…even before hospitals existed!

No matter if one decides to give birth in the hospital, at home, in the back of a valley, or Kahoʻolawe, praising and supporting our wahine as one who harnesses this special power is truly important.

I am so thankful to be supported, and surrounded myself, by other mana wāhine who remind me that women have the powahhh!  Let’s continue to support our wahine (hapai), especially in such a magical and precious time in bringing the next generation (babies or other forms of birthing knowledge) into this world.

(Click here for source of photo.)

Patsy Mink.  You’ve at least heard her name, and if you ask around, at least one of your family members likely worked with her, or has a personal experience to which the late Congresswoman Mink’s legacy is directly the reason for why we are afforded the opportunities we have today.  Congresswoman Mink’s legacy continues to be recognized today as President Obama posthumously awarded Congresswoman Mink with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Born on Maui, Congresswoman Mink was the first woman of color elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1965, where she served a total of 12 terms, representing Hawai‘i’s first and second congressional districts.  Congresswoman Mink championed civil rights, peace, and integrity in the democratic process until she passed away in 2002.

The Patsy T. Mink Legislative Fellowship.  Shortly after her sudden passing, a group of students at the William S. Richardson School of Law established the Patsy T. Mink Legislative Fellowship to honor the values and integrity of Congresswoman Mink’s life work.  Each year, the Fellowship selects one Richardson law student, to work with one of Hawai‘i’s Congressional offices in Washington D.C. for the summer.

My Fellowship Experience and the Continued Impact.  I feel so fortunate to have been chosen as the 2012 Fellow.  As a Fellow, I fulfilled my appointment in the late Senator Daniel K. Inouye’s office in Washington, D.C.  My experience as a Fellow was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Senator Daniel K. Inouye with my mom, me, and baby Kawena in my ʻōpū.

I was hapai with Kawena at the time, the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision on the Affordable Care Act came down, and Fast and Furious was beginning to unfold.  I attended timely workshops, meetings, hearings, and engaged in many activities only available on Capitol Hill.  Additionally, there were three major projects that I worked on over the summer while receiving outstanding mentorship by a Richardson alum.

Outside the U.S. Supreme Court on the day at the decision on the Affordable Care Act was announced.

Often times, I reflect on my Fellowship experience and continue to be amazed as to the impact of not only how Congresswoman Mink’s legacy lives on, but also continuing to afforded opportunities stemming back to  my experiences as a Fellow.  To name a few examples, I was offered and accepted a position to work with Hawaiʻi State House Representative Della Au Belatti for the legislative session following my Fellowship.  Fulfilling my Fellowship in Washington, D.C., and then being able to continue work at the state level was really awesome!  One of the three projects that I worked on while fulfilling my Fellowship developed into my Second-Year Seminar paper (a law school requirement completed during the second-year of law school), and involved the medical-legal partnership model.  Following law school, I was then offered a position with the Medical-Legal Partnership for Children in Hawaiʻi.

We Need Your Support!  My Fellowship experience, and the significance of Patsy Mink’s legacy resonates not only with all other Mink Fellows, but also state and nation-wide.  The Fellowship is funded entirely through tax-deductible donations, which are used to help Fellows with living and transportation expenses as well as to help build an endowment for future fellows.  Please support the Mink Fellowship!  To donate online to the UH Foundation Patsy T. Mink Legislative Fellowship Fund, click here.