Study for bar exam – check.

Take bar exam – check.

Wooooohoooo!!!!!  Glad that that part is over, but I have LOTS more that I want to accomplish this year…or at least make lots of progress on.  While I have a list of goals that I want to accomplish this year, there are also longer term goals that I feel that I haven’t even realized that I have a desire of accomplishing yet.  But first, let me share my goals for this year…

1. Lose weight
2. Read more often (for fun!)
3. Practice self care regularly
4. Become homeowners
5. Become a doula!

While I’m still adjusting back to “normal” now that the bar exam is done, I am posting this to try to find the motivation and energy to press on to other goals that I set out to accomplish this year.  But at the same time, in practicing self care (number 3 on the list above), I am also trying to accept that I need rest as well.

For the goals that I feel that I have not yet realized that I want to achieve, a friend recommended the book, Big Magic.  I look forward to reading this and reaching new heights.

To achieve these goals, I’ve found it important to use my passion planner which prioritizes these goals, breaks them down to specific and attainable components that I can accomplish daily or weekly.  Interestingly, while my brain was very focused and devoted to bar studying for the majority of this year thus far, much clarity came through as well with regards to long term life goals and purpose.

Additionally, another lesson that I re-learned through the bar study process, there is so much value and importance with taking the time to reflect.  Some people uses journals, or even perhaps this blog, but taking the time to reflect helps to assess where I am in achieving my goals and the progress made thus far.

What are your goals?  What has helped you accomplish your goals?

Baby Freitas #2 (“baby”) is now 2 months old, and it’s about time I get to posting her birth story.  I’ve been wanting to post this for a while.  There has been lots going on with soaking in every moment, transitioning to a family of four, and transitioning to being a stay-at-home-mom.  But, here it goes…

Where do I start?  About a week before baby was born, I had pre-labor contractions.  I’ve come to learn and love the term, “pre-labor contractions,” instead of “false labor.”  I used to think (probably due to what I was exposed to on TV, etc.) that “false labor” meant that the contractions weren’t real, and the mom didn’t know what real contractions felt like.  But, that’s totally NOT the case!  My pre-labor contractions were very real and we thought it was the real deal.  But, baby had other plans.  She wanted to make sure we had everything set, and that we were ready!

It was Wednesday, March 11, a little after 6pm, and my pre-labor contractions started and were about every 15 minutes.  I was unsure at the time, but when they started off nice and smooth, we decided to wait and see if they became more intense and more frequent.  We carried on as usual and started to make plans for our older daughter to go with Grams per our birth plan.  The contractions continued and got to about 10 minutes apart before I went to sleep, or at least tried to sleep.

Leialoha (doula, lomilomi and lāʻau lapaʻau practitioner and part of our birth team) arrived around 2am and assisted with counting how frequent the contractions were coming.  Her presence brought a different level of realness to it all.

While laboring, I think one of the things that helps me manage the contractions is thinking that the pain will pass.  To think that just in a the matter of hours, our lives will be forever changed.  In just a matter of hours, baby will be here.  After 9+ months of waiting and growing in utero, baby will join us Earthside.  And really, I had to fact check this post with my husband because it felt as if I was in a trance at times.  As a result, I didn’t remember or know even at the time that it happened the exact time on the clock.

Around 4am, the contractions were of medium intensity, but 5-8 minutes apart.  Our midwife arrived by this time and was amazed at how quickly I progressed.  But then, while handling the contractions well, I dozed in and out of sleep.

The next thing I knew it was morning (well, later in the morning where the sun came up) and the contractions were about 10-15 minutes apart.  I ended up going for a walk to try to get the contractions going again, tea, other natural remedies to try and get the contractions going again.  But, baby had other plans.

A similar pattern with pre-labor contractions happened again on Thursday, March 12.  After not getting much rest the night before because of the pre-labor contractions, I tried to rest as much during the day in case this was the real deal.  But again, baby had other plans.

Baby really had us on the edges of our seats, waiting for her arrival.  After the pre-labor contractions, it felt that everyday after MIGHT be THE day.  We even had the birthing tub already set-up and ready for her.  After waiting a couple of days, we rearranged our furniture back to it’s normal position, and put away the birthing tub.  I had a prenatal appointment shortly after my pre-labor contractions and that help reassure that baby is fine, and I was fine, so we were ok waiting.  After all, baby’s due date wasn’t until March 22.

Then, on March 22, around 2am, I was awaken by contractions.  They were intense enough to wake me from my sleep.  I went to use the bathroom and noticed that my mucous plug came out.  So, not wanting to sound too excited or anxious in case baby had other plans of when she would make her arrival, I did my best to tell Elwen very calmly that I think this might be THE day because my mucous plug came out.  But of course, we were already too excited!

I tried to rest and save my energy, especially not knowing how long I would be laboring.  Elwen put on a movie for me, and I dozed in and out as my contractions were coming steady at about 10-15 minutes apart.  The contractions ended up being more intense than I anticipated and I found it more relaxing to close my eyes during the contractions.  Needless to say, I didn’t finish the movie.

Before I knew it, it was around 4am and the contractions were more frequent and increasing in intensity.  After Kawena’s birth, I remembered that I wanted to try laboring more with the next baby on the exercise ball.  So I set myself on the exercise ball, leaned against the bed, and that worked well.  Leialoha arrived, and it felt like time was flying by!  My eyes were closed much of the time, except when I went to the bathroom.

Next thing I remember is the birds singing what seemed louder than usual.  I remember thinking to myself about a story that my midwife’s assistant had told us about her birth story and remembering the birds singing.  I also remember thinking to myself, “Wow!  The sun is probably going to come up soon if the birds are singing.  Maybe the birds are singing to the baby to help baby come out and play!”  The birds singing affected Elwen as well, and later became the inspiration for part of baby’s name.

I don’t remember what time our midwife arrived, but I remember she went to another birth around this time in events.  Shortly after she left, I felt that it was time to get into the tub so I asked our midwife’s assistant to check how far along I was.  Our midwife’s assistant checked me and we were far enough along to get in the tub.

The tub felt great!  I was really looking forward to getting in the tub!  While in the tub, I felt very relaxed and like much of the pressure had been lifted.  I remember thinking that there was a long way to go yet because my contractions were still about 5 minutes apart.  I didn’t know that it was 5 minutes apart for sure, but I knew that they weren’t 1 minute apart.  I remember worrying a little because I thought maybe this wasn’t the day.  I also remember trying to focus on remaining relaxed because I could feel myself getting tired.

Laboring in the tub.

Time passed.  Birth team continued to support me with telling me encouraging things, checking baby’s heart beat, and giving me water.  Next thing I remember is Elwen telling me that if I feel it’s time to push, then I can push.

I remember pushing for a LONG time.  I think I started pushing too early.  I think I was pushing, at least mentally, as soon as I got in the tub.  In the marathon of pushing, I remember visualizing pushing the baby out so that it would come out like a torpedo and my “target” was the wall of the tub.  Kinda funny now that I think about it.

So as I’m visualizing this, and pushing, I couldn’t feel my pushing making a difference for a while.  But I persisted.  At one point I thought to myself, “I don’t know, maybe I need some help.  Is someone going to help me?”  Now thinking back, I was probably going through transition.  I had this slight doubt in my mind, but I remember also telling myself positive affirmations.  It was in perfect timing that my birth team would reassure me that everything is ok, we were progressing just fine, and I was doing great.  That was really nice to hear.  I needed to hear that.  This kept me going.

My midwife came back and I remember thinking, “ok, baby will be here soon because s/he was probably waiting for my midwife to come back.”

I continued to push and tried to focus on my breathing and making my pushes count.  Then all of a sudden, it felt like a “pop” and I could feel baby’s head just about to come out.  It was during this magical time where it feels like my body takes over, I canʻt control much of anything, and it just…happens.  A couple of more pushes and baby’s head was out.  I reached down to pull baby up, but needed to push a little more so that I could reach her.  I pulled her up to my chest and it felt so natural as if this wasn’t the first time we were meeting.  When I pulled her up to my chest, I happened to glance and noticed that SHE was a GIRL!!!  But, I waited ’til Elwen asked or was going to let him notice on his own.

Baby was born at 12:06pm on March 22, 2015, my exact due date!  She weighed 8lbs 4oz, 22 inches long, and 14.5 inches head.

As baby was resting on my chest and we were getting acquainted, Leialoha in all of her awesomeness started to prepare me the most delicious post-birth soup.  Baby and I were still attached as we waited to cut the umbilical cord until it stopped pulsating.  Baby started to suck so we put her on my breast.  It wasn’t until at least ten minutes later that the umbilical cord stopped pulsating.

After baby’s umbilical cord stopped pulsating and it was cut, it was time for me to hand over baby to Elwen and for me to get cleaned up.  After giving birth, I tried to take my time in any movement so that I don’t faint.  I slowly stood up by resting on my knees, then standing up.  The plan was for me to sit on the birth stool to help my placenta come out.  After standing up to get out of the birthing tub, I sat on the birthing stool and my placenta came out like buttah.  That stool sure did the trick!  At the same time, I also had some slight hemorrhaging.  My birth team was quick to act in laying me down, feed me water with alae salt and Shephard’s purse, and massaged my uterus to stop the bleeding.  The bleeding stopped really quickly, almost immediately.

After the bleeding stopped, and my uterus had contracted to about the size of a softball, I slowly made my way (with help from my birth team) to the bed.  The placenta was weighed and it was about 1.5lbs!  I don’t know how heavy placentas are going for these days, but I was told this one was pretty big and could explain why the umbilical cord was pulsating for quite a while when baby was resting one my chest after being born.  Once on the bed, I remember being reunited with baby to try nursing again.  I had some cramping that was eased with a heating pad.  Shortly after, my mom (a.k.a. Grams) brought my older daughter and they met baby.  Our older daughter was awaken from her nap and a little groggy when she first met her sister, but after warming up a little, she took to baby immediately.

Filled with so much love and joy in this special time.  Thankful to have come to know, and be able to share as well, the significance of sharing one’s birth story.  This is yet another birth story that demonstrates the variations of normal.  SO lucky to be supported and having shared this experience with our birth team.  Love.  Just love.

Admission:  I failed the bar exam.  It sucks; it really does.

But this post is about making space in order to move forward and prepare for the future.

While I may have failed the bar exam, shortly after taking the bar exam and before I received my bar exam results, we learned that we are pregnant!  So as I prepare to take the February 2015 bar exam, we are also preparing for baby #2 in March 2015.  Yes, I will be around 8 months pregnant on the testing days of the bar exam.  As a friend put it, I will have the “advantage” of two brains instead of one<3

Upon receiving the bar exam results, there are so many emotions that ran through me.  But heaviest of all, is realizing the burden of having to study and take the bar exam again.  Reflecting on how many things in life got put on “hold,” and having to retreat to an isolated study cave, this is the grimmest reality of it all.

So I thought, why is it this way?  It doesn’t have to be like this, does it?!  I’m tired of putting things, my family, my life on “hold.”  More time passed and further contemplation brewed.  Then, I took the PLUNGE!  I let myself think about what needs to be cleared from the path, where I need to make space, so that when I do need to buckle down and focus on studying for the bar, I will not only be mentally prepared, but also ready to receive and build upon the knowledge that I have and need to retain.

Interestingly, we are having the same discussions in clearing the path, making space, and preparing for baby.  “Nesting” often refers to the physical preparation that we do, but we are also preparing for baby in ensuring that that baby is born in a loving and supportive environment.

As I continue to make space, nest, and prepare for the future, I’ve been noticing the many forms that “making space” takes.  In some instances, individuals make space to raise voices that would otherwise go unheard or even silenced.  Or, making space can open the doors for something new to shine through.

How are you “making space”?