Certain themes have been popping up for me based on different things that have been occupying my brain space, my mental capacity, or just my mind. Stuff that’s going on up in my head. Yeah, that stuff. And let me tell you, being home with my babies is exactly where I want to be, but I also crave adult conversations. We’ll save my craving for adult conversations for another post, but for now, I’ll just say having a complete thought feels like a luxury these days.

One theme that has been coming up for me is around this idea of a self-portrait series. As you might guess, many of my self-portraits revolve around my role as a mother. I knew I always wanted to have a big family, but I don’t think I ever knew how much I would enjoy being māmā. These self-portraits that come to mind are images, or sometimes symbolic images that are what my mind thinks of when “triggered” with certain cues, or even words or mind maps.

I know I am not the first to think about this type of self-portrait series, especially with the many doodle-like pages on social media nowadays. However, this is the background to what I plan on sharing with different self-portraits of how I would describe myself.

What comes to mind when you think of your self-portrait? How would you describe your self-portrait? What images or words come to mind?

We are close to one year of being an ʻohana of six, so I think that says how it has been going within itself. haha I don’t know if it is because of this transition to four keiki, or if it is because our youngest two are only 13 months apart, or if it is because I am breastfeeding our younger two, or maybe we just haven’t gotten the hang of it yet, but it hasn’t been easy.

Just as before, when pēpē hou is born, it as if the older pē is grown up all-of-a-sudden. We are celebrating so many milestones all at once: our oldest is in papa mālaaʻo, our second is holding it down at pūnana leo without the guidance of her older sister who was there with her last year, and our son seems to be a big boy now that pēpē hou is here.

With so much going on, I am thankful to be home to care for my babies. Shortly after pēpē #4 was born, I remember telling my husband (jokingly), “how can I work? With four kids, how can I work? Based on their different school schedules, the amount that they get sick, how can I work?” I guess the jokes on us, but I’ll save that for another post. And staying home to care for our babies is definitely where I want to be, but it is definitely not easy or a “luxury.”

And this post would not be complete without dedicating a portion to the topic of breastfeeding. This is yet another new journey for us with breastfeeding two babies at one time–well, not simultaneously, but it is more like this: one breastfeeds while the other one cries, then they switch. Sometimes, when one breastfeeds, the other will nap or play nicely.

If I could describe what it is like having four kids, I think the expression of “herding cats” is pretty accurate. More and more I find myself doing things, then thinking to myself, “and this is life with four kids!” haha

Life with four kids is a bit extra…extra love, extra tired, extra messy house, extra laundry. Some days are harder than others, but filled with so much love.

In Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, she shares about how when she writes, she writes for herself. She doesn’t write for the potential reader that will buy her book. She doesn’t write for me or you, or her haters. Isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that so powerful to think of writing to yourself? What do you need to hear? What do you need to write?

In between reading Big Magic and caring for my babies ;), I like to listen to Liz Gilbert’s podcast, Magic Lessons. First off, isn’t that the coolest podcast name ever???!!! And fittingly so, she is truly magic. Just hearing her voice is therapeutic, if you ask me. But more to the point, one of her episodes on her podcast discussed this idea of writing for yourself. Be the model you seek. Be the voice of reason you yearn to hear.

Another piece to this that comes to mind based on my daily routine these days is CBS This Morning’s segment entitled, “Note to Self,” where they have various celebrities and guests on their morning news show to write a letter to their younger self and read it outloud to themselves. Particularly powerful is the ever so lovely, Ms. Michelle Obama, writing, “…share your story with them. The struggles and the triumphs, and everything else. Show them that there’s more beauty inside than they can see right now. That’s how you’ll answer that question that’s following you around. The one that sometimes keeps you up at night.” You should definitely check out the full video of her reading her Note to Self!

So what would my note to self be? What would you write to your younger self? I’ll definitely give this a “go” here, but I also know that this will be a continual process in digging down deep and staying true and focused in writing for myself.

So here it goes:

A Note to Self

I hear you.

Give yourself more credit. This shit is hard! You don’t have to do it all. Don’t worry. It will all work out! Even on days when you question how you can hold on for another hour, you will. Then you will do it again, and again, and it will become easier in ways. But its never easy. It is hard, but worth it.

Keep doing what you’re doing. Lean the fuck out. “Lean with it, rock with it.” No, really! There’s no correct way to be a working-stay-at-home-mom-badass that you are. Self-define and trailblaze on!

Your story is definitely worth sharing and mahalo for sharing yours.

I hear you.

I see you.

Keep holding on. Keep pushing. Keep striving. It will all be worth it.

You are not alone. Your ʻohana, kūpuna, ʻaumākua are with you.