Confession: I have been feeling like I have been failing.

In light of all that is happening with the coronavirus, and the various issues at play, one would think that now is the time for public health experts to shine. This is a public health issue. One would also think that now it is the time for social justice advocates to shine because we desperately need some social justice up in here.

Public health and social justice advocate are descriptors that I would say I aspire to be. So now is the time for me to put my training and knowledge to work, and activate. Right?!

Instead, I have been struggling just to process all that is going on. And for this, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being able to jump into action sooner.

But I also know that I need to be more forgiving to myself. I have acted. I, too, am human. I, too, have a lot on my plate. And what good is it if I’m helping the world, but leaving myself and my ʻohana at the door.

I anticipate that this will be an on-going process of needing to pause from time to time to check-in with myself and ensure that my needs and my ʻohana’s needs are cared for. However, now I feel myself switching gears.

And activate!

True to my process, I have been observing, absorbing, and digesting as best as possible all that has been occurring. The daily updates and developments are overwhelming in itself, at times. Nevertheless, I feel a couple of ideas bubbling up as to ways that I can be most helpful and serve the lāhui.

But I also would like to know your manaʻo. How can I best serve you? How can I help?

It is March 25, 2020 and we are still trying to wrap our heads around the chaos that spun out from the coronavirus pandemic. So many thoughts have been flooding my mind as I try to come to grips with how we got to where we are now, how much longer things may be this way, and if this is our new normal. Now, more than ever, I am realizing the need for me to truly practice self care, and focus on the health and wellness of myself and my ʻohana.

I think today may be day #13 since we’ve been limiting our time outside of the house with the exception of going to the grocery store, and this one time that we went to the part before the parks were officially closed. We’ve celebrated my daughter’s 5th birthday. And yet, I am not sure where to begin the roller coaster of emotions that I’ve been feeling.

But let’s try taking a look back a just a short week and a half ago.

Friday, March 13th — this was two of my daughters’ last day of school before spring break.

Spring break was originally scheduled for the week of March 16-20. So although we mainly stayed home during this time, it still felt like we were on spring break in a sense and not too much outside of what would’ve been our “normal.”

Then spring break got extended.

Up until this point, and even up until March 20 or so, I thought that our government officials wasn’t taking enough action to try to protect us from the virus spreading even further. I continue to believe that a complete shut down of everything, and cancelling everything like bills, would be the best steps to take to get us back to our “normal” lives and HEALTHY!

March 21 – I remember feeling paranoid that I might have shortness of breath. When I settled into these thoughts and took a moment to really check-in with what my body was telling me, I was fine. But it was my mind that was worried.

March 23 – I don’t recall ever being so upset, absolutely beyond livid, with our government and their lack of action. Until this moment on this day.

March 23 – 24 – I learned that I needed to step back from social media and the online updates and news conferences.

Today, March 25, I am feeling a bit more like myself again. I am choosing to truly focus on my health and wellness and the health and wellness of my ʻohana. For me, this means focusing on things that fill me up: reading, writing, time with ʻohana, cooking, hana noʻeau, singing, dancing, and making art.

Due to the nature of how the coronavirus is spreading, and recommended measures of social distancing and stay at home orders, we are connecting in other ways like never before. It is especially challenging for me, although I am an introvert, to try to have genuine and meaningful connection over a screen/internet.

I find strength in looking to my kūpuna, our long-standing generational history of resistance from kūʻē petitions, and even looking to the beauty and aloha of communities coming together in these times to ensure that keiki to kūpuna do not go hungry.

While I still try to assess my goals–because how do I even plan in times like these?–or even try to plan for our ʻohana, I am reminded of the importance in ensuring that our keiki know that they are safe, loved, and that everything will be ok.