It’s hard to believe that the start of a new year is just around the corner. Thinking back to the start of this year, the word I selected for this year, and all that has happened over the year thus far, quite a bit has happened. I started off the year hāpai, experienced my first (most intense, full-time+) legislative session, gave birth, went on maternity leave, and have witnessed and experienced all types of growth–within my keiki, ʻohana, and even myself.

I haven’t been writing here as much as I’d like, but there has been a lot on my mind that I do want to share here. But for now, I am thinking about the many changes within myself over the course of the year thus far.

This year has been challenging, which is likely an understatement.

Flow. Flow like water. Flow that keeps moving, does not stay stagnant. In some ways I am surprised how good of word this was/has been for me to focus on this year. Through all the changes, it has been comforting for me to think about the meaning of flow in its many forms to adapt and move forward.

Leading up to pē’s birth, I recall one night, it was a full moon, and I woke up in the middle of the night in a panic. This pregnancy was certainly unique and I attribute those differences due to effects of the pandemic. I felt lonely. Even being surrounded by those that I love most, and that love me, and having pē within me, but yet I felt alone. Ironically, it was alone time that helped me flow through these feelings.

And I certainly can’t end this without mentioning how the pandemic has certainly added a different type of intensity to any type of change.

The other major thing about this pregnancy was that my husband and I have been planning for this to likely be our last pē. I wasn’t prepared for all of the feelings that would come after birth and thinking about this being our last pē. For one thing, and likely seems the most superficial, I began to not recognize myself after birth.

Because you see, I am one of those weird ones (so I’ve been told) who feels most beautiful while hāpai.

Would I feel beautiful in my own skin? It all began to sink in that I will never be hāpai again.

Now pē is almost five months, my hormones have adjusted and are likely still adjusting, but I find myself flowing. Just like every other post-birth period, it has been a period of re-birthing myself.

It is a bit hard to believe how much change has happened, and all that I’ve flowed through/around, but here I am. I had my husband take some pictures for me, which had become our new thing this last pregnancy. #picsmyhusbandtakes

Sometimes these were funny pictures, many were candid, but they certainly made feel giddy and beautiful. Not necessarily because I liked the way I looked, but because I know my husband loves me and these pictures seemed to capture me in ways that reflected a side of me that I was re-acquainting myself with all over again. Carrying on this new practice after pē was born, I asked him to take my pictures. To my surprise, I looked at the picture and saw a little bit of the “old” me, but also a “new” me.

I don’t know the exact science of how I will feel beautiful in my own skin (again), but for at least this moment, I felt good. And for now, that feels great! I am thankful to have the opportunity to re-birth myself again, and will continue to think about the ways to flow to move, mold, nourish, quench.

So again, thinking back to all of these transformations that I have flowed through over the course of the year thus far — physically, emotionally, professionally, in alllllll the ways — I am here celebrating this part of my re-birth.