māmā.aloha.ʻāina

In case you were wondering, #mombie (mom + zombie) is legit.  Even as a stay/work-at-home-mom, why I am so tired, you ask?  Scary Mommy’s article gives a glimpse at to why moms are so tired even after getting some rest.  I felt some relief to read this article and realized that I am not the only one.  I am not the only one who’s mind is constantly spinning.  What about this, what about that, did I remember to do this, don’t forget to do this later…’round and ’round we go.

Here’s a glimpse of what my mind has been spinning about lately:

• when will my daughter be potty-trained?
• what if she’s not potty-trained by the time she’s supposed to start preschool?
• why is my daughter all about oli and hula at kula (school), but not at papa hula (hula class)?
• maybe I shouldn’t have scolded her the way I did.
• maybe I should be more strict.
• when am I going to get a break?
• when will baby take to a bottle?
• did I pay the internet bill?
• do we have enough funds to pay for “x”?
• when is that due again?
• I need to schedule that appointment.
• why is this house such a mess?
• why do I bother doing the laundry?  what happens if I stopped doing the laundry?
• and of course, the daily question:  what’s for dinner?

What has been occupying your mind?  How do you manage this spinning?  Deep breathing?  Exercising?  Writing a list?  Help a māmā out!!!

There are many articles and discussions on the topic of when a parent decides whether to be a stay-at-home-parent.  Especially within the time since I have become a parent, I think it is becoming more common for dads to be the stay-at-home-parent.  It was not until becoming a mom did I realize how difficult it is to have to put your child with a stranger to go back to work.  On top of that, our kids are only young for such a short period of time.  There are many factors that go into deciding whether to be a stay-at-home-parent, but it seems that the articles and discussions on this topic primarily and solely focus on the financial factor.

Before digging in deeper, I want to make it clear that my criticism (if it is viewed as such) is with the larger system itself.  Many other countries provide mothers with one year (or more) of paid leave!  Paid leave!  Also, my view of a stay-at-home-parent is not necessarily one that strictly stays home and solely cares for their children.  A stay-at-home-parent may also be a work-at-home-parent.  I also see all of us, those that decide to go back/continue working and those that decide to be a stay-at-home-parent, as equals.  Going back to work or being a stay-at-home-parent, either of which, is not necessarily the best fit for everyone (obviously).  Each family, each person, has to make this decision for themselves and we are all doing our best.

Through discussions with fellow stay/work-at-home-parents and parents, generally, here are factors that are often considered in whether one parent should stay home to care for the child(ren):

• the costs of daycare to income ratio,
• whether the parent that would be the stay-at-home-parent enjoys working,
• other benefits secured by employment,
• children’s needs.

What I think these articles fail to acknowledge and include in their discussions is the potential benefits that will result when a mom decides to stay home.  There are benefits for the mom, child(ren), and the family unit as a whole.  These benefits have short-term and long-term effects.

Taking cue from Dr. Ye Nguyen’s prompt on “what if,” I encourage us all to continue to do what ever is best for each individual and that individual’s ʻohana.  Similar to how it was once “radical” to think that a woman would be anything but a housewife, I hope that the the variations of working/part-time work/full-time work/work-at-home-mom or parent/stay-at-home-parent becomes not so radical.  So, what if we put our children first?  What if we were all supported to live our lives however we wanted to without fear of whether we could survive financially on  one income?  What if the financial factor was not a concern in deciding whether to put your children first?  What if the cost of living was actually affordable for a growing family?  What if we didn’t have to worry about x, y, or z in deciding whether to put our children first?  What if society supported moms to go back to work that allowed her to fulfill all of her commitments to her family as well?  What if society supported dads to do the same?  What if?

Articles on this topic:

Why I Opted In To ‘The Motherhood Penalty’ At My Job

In recent conversations with friends and family, I came to realize that it is important to share our stories of our educational journey.  Everyone has their own way of processing things, getting guidance, and finding their way, but in the event that this is helpful, here is a bit about my educational journey.  I remember being told that having one person who believes in you makes all the difference in a person’s life.  It saddens me to think that some people don’t even have that one person.  None of this is anything “new,” but here are a couple of points of advice:

1.  There are no shortcuts to success.

This is something that I constantly need to remind myself, ’til this day.  I used to think that by some miracle, I could just show up to class and know all that I needed to know for a test.  This may work for some people, but it wasn’t the best approach for me.  Simply put, do your homework.  Study ’til you know it.

Related to this, sure there are some that are just born smart.  But for the most part, I have come to believe that even smart people need to work hard in order to achieve success.  It wasn’t until law school that I realized that I don’t know how to study.  I still second-guess myself when ever it’s time to study for a test.  But I think the answer can be simple:  put the time in, sit down, and figure out what you need to know and how you are going to learn what you need to know.

In determining the “how” you are going to learn what you need to know, this brings me to my next point.  But also, with things like the internet, the resources are at your fingertips.  Access them!

2.  Learn to ask questions and surround yourself with people that support and push you to be your best.

Sometimes it may feel more within your comfort zone to ask a friend about a particular assignment.  That’s cool.  But don’t shy away from asking the teacher.  In my experience, teachers are MORE than willing to answer questions and welcome it!  You do not have to have all of the answers.  Sometimes just acknowledging what you don’t know is a huge step within itself.

Also, sometimes this will happen on its own when the universe conspires in your favor, so be ready to receive the sign that the universe is sending you.  Other times, you may have to do things that may feel uncomfortable to ensure that you cut the dead weight and only keep those in your life that lift you up.

3.  It is ok to modify your goals along the way.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to become a medical doctor.  Along the way, I learned about things that I never knew before…like public health.  I never had the intention of going to law school, until I did and then it happened.  So I started from wanting to be a medical doctor to now having an educational background in public health and law.  These may seem like totally irrelevant fields, but they actually overlap.  Although my goals changed along the way, I know that all of my experiences have contributed to where I am today.

Let yourself be free to what drives you, and don’t feel you need to be stuck in a particular major or field because that is where you started when you embarked on this journey.

4.  Kūlia i ka Nuʻu!  (Strive for the Summit!)

Related to my earlier point about there being no shortcuts to success, the effort that you put into studying will be proportional to your success.  If you want to get As, study ’til you know it.

I don’t know where it comes from, but I think it is very natural to try to do as little as possible and to see how far one can get.  RESIST!  Go all in!  Challenge yourself.  Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.  Mistakes are how you will learn, and be sure to not make the same mistakes again.

Through this journey there will be challenges and obstacles.  Do not let these challenges define you.  Always persevere.  I’ve failed a class, and it is not the end of the world.  You just keep on keepin’ on.

5.  Do YOU!

Simply, do you.  Along your journey you may feel people “jocking” and trying to measure their success in comparison to your success.  Don’t worry about anyone else’s success but your own.  This may seem and feel like a selfish act, but an educational investment in yourself is probably the most valueable investment you will ever make.

Lastly, I had my oldest daughter during my second year of law school.  Going to school with young kid(s) is a topic within itself.  Long story short, while there are challenges with going to school with kids, I wouldn’t necessarily advise against it.  Law school is a unique creature within itself that presents its own unique challenges as opposed to undergrad or another graduate program.

I could probably go a lot more in-depth, but I kept it short in hopes that you wouldn’t lose interest.  If you want to talk more of have any questions, I’m open to talking 🙂

Homeownership.  In Hawaiʻi.  On Oʻahu.  Where to begin?  Geesh!

Well, as many of you already know, it’s not exactly smooth sailing right now in terms of the current trends.  The median price for a single-family home is in the $750,000 range.  Say whaaaaa???!!!

So I guess that answers any question as to what I’ve been doing with my “extra” (if there is such a thing as “extra” time in being a mom…let alone a mom of 3 keiki) time.  As first-time homebuyers, we’re also new to this process.  In the process of trying to climb this steep learning curve, I couldn’t find anything online where someone shared their experience in buying a home in Hawaiʻi, on Oʻahu.

We haven’t puka’d thru on the other side yet, so I can’t share the silver lining just yet.  BUT, here are 5 things that I’ve come to experience and wanted to share.

1.  It really is a SELLER’s market.

I’m sure you’ve read this or heard this on the news.  But being in the trenches, I can tell you that it’s true.  We’ve submitted offers on two houses so far.  The first one that we submitted an offer on received 13 offers.  THIRTEEN!!!  Because the competition is so stiff, many people offer more than the list price and big downpayments–areas in which we are not able to compete.

In receiving so many offers, guess which offer a seller tends to accept??????????  Take a wild guess!  Double down, highest bidder takes all.

2.  This journey to Homeownership takes a lot of time and energy!

There are many reasons why this journey to homeownership is such a time suck.  For one, it is a long journey.  I would say we “started” this journey and became more serious in this journey once we got pre-qualified.  We started the pre-qualification process in November 2016!

Second, due to the complexities of the market, the inventory available, and the process of figuring out what we’re willing to “settle” for, this too takes months.  Submit an offer.  Offer is rejected.  Go back to square one in looking for another home that is purchase worthy.  Round and round we go.

Third, in hopes of achieving our goal of homeownership and (to a certain extent) ending this madness, there is the process of trying to learn how to ensure that the next offer we submit will be accepted.  I think this is really where we have been pushed to think about what we’re willing to “settle” for.  I put “settle” in quotes because, although it may be obvious, we can’t really get everything that we want in a home.  Are we willing to buy a home that will result in 4 hours of commute time to home and work everyday?  Are we willing to squeeze into a 2 bedroom?  The list goes on.

OH!  And let’s not forget the stress of this hurry up and wait game.  This is something that I did not fully prepare myself for until it happened because I didn’t know what to expect.  Due to the climate of the market, it is a sprint from once a home is listed to submitting our offer.  On more than one occasion, we have seen homes listed one day and by the next day it says that it is “in escrow.”  How the heck?!  Seriously.  Even if we’re able to keep pace with the other horses to even have a chance and we submit an offer, getting our offer accepted (as discussed above) is yet another obstacle.  But the waiting, waiting ON EDGE, once our offer is submitted is so nerve-wrecking.  I can’t sleep and can’t really focus on anything else other than waiting for that phone call to hear the great news that our offer was accepted.

3.  The inventory sucks…

I’m guessing this is pretty obvious too.  But again, in speaking from our personal experience, the inventory sucks.  There are slim pickings.

4.  Timing is KEY.

As I may have alluded to earlier, our wants in a home have evolved over time through this process.  Partly due to what’s available, partly due to what we are able to afford, we had to alter our “wants.”  Of course hindsight is 20/20, but reflecting on our journey thus far, we have seen that perhaps we should have started with “plan F” instead of “plan A.”  As a result, since we started with “plan A,” the inventory for “plan F” changed so that by the time we got to wanting to switch gears to “plan F,” the inventory was even slimmer and decreased our options even more.

5.  Remain optimistic.

With all of that said, I think it’s important to remain optimistic…or, at least that’s how I’m able to manage these rolling sets of turbulent waters.  I truly believe that we will find the right home for us all in the right time.  Even if we’ve gotten this far in our journey to rent our current apartment for a longer time frame than we had hoped, we are learning more and more along the way to hopefully be more prepared for when the timing is right and these pieces fall into place.

Anyone else going through this journey to homeownership right now?  Or perhaps you just purchased your home?  I’d love to hear about your journey!  Any words of advice?

And we’re back!  Life has been traveling at hyper-speed.  Although in moments like these, I often struggle just keeping up, I have been feeling the need to return back to my blog.

Lots of different things have been bubbling up that I want to/will be posting.  I am remembering how my blog has served as a way for me to maintain, and even further define, my sense of self.  Amidst the hustle of just our daily lives, this time reflecting and time to myself is something that I know that is important for me.

Mahalo for reading and following 🙂