māmā.aloha.ʻāina

Wooooooohoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!  I PASSED the bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The bar results came out a while ago, but I am only now getting back to blogging again.  Nevertheless, I worked long and hard to be on this side of the bar, and have dreamt of the how I would share the news once I passed the bar.  What would my name look like on the list (of those who pass the bar)?  What would my reaction be?  Would I cry?  Would I scream with joy?  What would I want to do to celebrate?  What would I wear at the swearing-in ceremony?  How much more space will I have in our house once all these bar books are gone?  What bigger things await once this bar exam is done?

But when it comes down to it, I want those who are studying for the bar, and those who may have failed the bar exam and are re-taking it, you CAN and WILL do it!  Know that there are many people who are supporting you, and if you need help, get the help that you need.  I’m open and willing to help anyone who is struggling with this, so reach out.  The best advice that I ever got was nothing too ground-breaking, but simply:  do what works best for YOU.

With that said, I still have one more test to be officially sworn in and “esquire-d.”  But for the most part, no more long days and long nights of studying or working and studying, no more having to decline family/friends/etc. for fun stuff because I had to go and study, no more taking time away from my family to go and study, no more doing countless practice problems.  Done. Done. Done!!!

Mahalo nui to those who supported me on this journey (you know who you are), my husband, my mom, my ʻohana, nā ʻaumakua, professors, and especially my girls.

This past week, I assisted a family member with a matter that involved me going to an administrative hearing with this family member.  I won’t give too much details about the situation because (1) I didn’t ask this family member for permission to share, and (2) even if I did ask, I feel that s/he would just say “yes” to be nice.  Instead, I’ll share this more from my perspective.

Up until now, I’ve been working in a very different space as an advocate or soon-to-be attorney.  The space that I have worked we like to call preventive law, similar to preventive health.  Towards the other end of the spectrum, there is what may be more considered as a crisis situation and more of what one typically thinks when they think about what a lawyer does.  I forget the exact percentage, but a very small percentage of cases actually go to trial.

In assisting this family member, this was my first time attending an administrative hearing (let alone “representing” anyone) and this was my first time really stepping outside of the preventive law space.

Helping my family member in this situation resulted in me learning some tough real life lessons in being an advocate or soon-to-be attorney in our justice system.  Here are multiple barriers that I identified through this process:

1. An individual has to know that they’ve been wronged.
2. An individual has to know that they have certain rights or that how they were wronged is not allowable under the law.
3. An individual may likely need assistance to navigate the process in which to achieve justice to correct the wrong.
4. An individual needs resources (time, money, etc.) to be able to get the assistance needed to navigate the process or to be represented by a professional.
5. An individual must know how to tell their story, or speak to the various elements under the law that will grant justice for the wrong-doing.
6. An individual must be able to keep up with all of the demands in following each step of the process while not getting overwhelmed by stress.
7. Speaking of stress, in trying to pursue a path to justice, the wrong that was doing usually results in consequences.  The consequences are often life-changing so let’s not forget about an individual not being overwhelmed with just trying to survive on top of pursuing his or her case.
8. I’m sure there are more…

Aside from these barriers, I felt the reality of the matter is common as well (based on what I’ve been told).  It is common for a witness/client to change their story during a court proceeding, despite meeting with the witness/client beforehand to prepare for the proceeding.  I would also bet that the feelings that I am feeling are common among individuals who need to pursue this avenue to achieve justice or budding attorneys.

I was also forced to face my own limitations, or areas I need to improve on.  I prepared many hours before this administrative hearing.  I felt prepared going into the hearing.  However, when it came down to it, I felt stuck between what I thought the facts to be, how the facts were being construed, and figuring out how to ask things in a question form to try to correct the discrepancies between the two while also not being allowed to ask questions for things that were already established.  Let’s think about that for a second.  Stuck.

Ultimately, I felt that the official that oversaw this administrative hearing was fair and asked great questions.  However, this all still feels so UNjust for my family member.

Despite these circumstances, I am more than happy that I was able to help this family member in this matter.  In all realness, if it were not for me, things would have been even that much further away from achieving some form of justice or a decision in favor of my family member.  I know that I will remember this experience forever.  The deep empathy that I’ve had up until now just expanded to a totally different level having gone through this in a more personal nature with my family member.

Partial vent.  I’m probably preaching to the choir.  But, I felt this should be said (or posted).

Gosh, where do I start?!

My husband and I grew up on the west-side of Oʻahu.  We are the the first college graduates in our family.  Aside from receiving help from our families, and scholarships to achieve our bachelors, and post-graduate degrees, we are still left with over $150,000 (EDIT:) almost $200,000.

In some states, this could buy a house.  In Hawaiʻi, the median price for an ordinary 3-bedroom, 2-bath house is upwards of $700K.

So, sure, my husband and I have achieved our educational goals, we both have jobs.  But, with our student loan debt and our low paying jobs, how are we supposed to save for a down payment for a house?  How are we supposed to pay down our student debt?  How are we supposed to save for our daughters’ college tuition?

But like I said, I am probably preaching to the choir.  I know that we are not the only ones in this type of situation.  While this makes me feel “better” because this is more of the norm, this is not “better” because it is the norm.

Something has GOT to CHANGE!

A mom’s blog post was floating around on social media titled, “Can I Be Honest?  Sometimes, I Get Jealous.”  The post raises the complexities and difficulties in being a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, and being jealous of the other.  There were so many parts of this post that resonated with me.  I was feeling all kinds of feels today when I went with my daughter and her preschool class on a field trip.  It reminded me:  I miss being a stay-at-home mom.

After further reflection, and thinking about my own experience, I also think about when I have worked from home in the past, when I work from home now, and the work from home moms.  I always liked the option of being able to work from home because theoretically it’s the best of both worlds–being able to still bring in an income, but also care for the babies.  While this is a definite perk, it is also very difficult because you end up working around the clock to make up for the time when you weren’t able to finish x, y, or z because you were watching the kids.

While I had feelings today that brought about emotions of how I miss being a stay-at-home mom, I also felt guilty at the same time because I also feel very privileged to even have a job.  So not only are there the feelings of jealousy as the mom describes in her blog post that I mentioned above, but there’s also the infamous mom guilt.

On a more positive note, the big manaʻo in this situation, for me at least, is the ever evolving lesson of living in the moment and being present.  When I have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom, live in that moment.  When I have the opportunity to work, live in that moment.  Each “job” presents its own challenges and different perks, but this phase when our kids are young and raising them is temporary.  They really do grow so fast.

In my last blog post, I focused on the importance of having a safe space to talk about topics that are important.  This lesson has been coming up in various aspects of my life for a while now.  Since I wrote my last blog post, I got news that I was not accepted to a fellowship program that I applied for.

One of the things that I anticipated experiencing from the fellowship program, if I was selected, was to come together to have this type of safe space to discuss important issues.  Since getting news that I was not accepted to the fellowship, I’m realizing…why not continue in seeking my own similar type of experience separate of the program?

Here’s what I’m looking for: a transformative experience that will help provide clarity to who I am and what I do.  (More on these questions–“who I am” compared to “what I do”–on a future blog post to come.)

Tell me about your transformative experience(s).  Was it ignited by a book you read?  Something you did?