Admission: I failed the bar exam. It sucks; it really does.
But this post is about making space in order to move forward and prepare for the future.
While I may have failed the bar exam, shortly after taking the bar exam and before I received my bar exam results, we learned that we are pregnant! So as I prepare to take the February 2015 bar exam, we are also preparing for baby #2 in March 2015. Yes, I will be around 8 months pregnant on the testing days of the bar exam. As a friend put it, I will have the “advantage” of two brains instead of one<3
Upon receiving the bar exam results, there are so many emotions that ran through me. But heaviest of all, is realizing the burden of having to study and take the bar exam again. Reflecting on how many things in life got put on “hold,” and having to retreat to an isolated study cave, this is the grimmest reality of it all.
So I thought, why is it this way? It doesn’t have to be like this, does it?! I’m tired of putting things, my family, my life on “hold.” More time passed and further contemplation brewed. Then, I took the PLUNGE! I let myself think about what needs to be cleared from the path, where I need to make space, so that when I do need to buckle down and focus on studying for the bar, I will not only be mentally prepared, but also ready to receive and build upon the knowledge that I have and need to retain.
Interestingly, we are having the same discussions in clearing the path, making space, and preparing for baby. “Nesting” often refers to the physical preparation that we do, but we are also preparing for baby in ensuring that that baby is born in a loving and supportive environment.
As I continue to make space, nest, and prepare for the future, I’ve been noticing the many forms that “making space” takes. In some instances, individuals make space to raise voices that would otherwise go unheard or even silenced. Or, making space can open the doors for something new to shine through.
How are you “making space”?
Comments
Thank you for being so brave, optimistic, strong, for sharing, and for moving forward. “Making space” – such a profound concept. I will be using this as I go along my path – and I know/hope our paths will continue to intersect.
Author
Mahalo, Della! You are definitely one of the individuals that comes to mind as one who makes space. You, along with other students, made the space to honor the late Congresswoman Mink’s legacy with creating the Patsy T. Mink Legislative Fellowship. And I have witnessed your amazingness in providing a seat at the table for voices to be heard. Rock on!
Sharde,
You never fail in life. You can only decide to stop trying or focus your energy elsewhere. The greatest successes in life are immune to failure. Look at Thomas Edison, he took 40,000 pages of notes and tried 1,600 materials before developing the electric light bulb. (http://invention.smithsonian.org/centerpieces/edison/000_story_02.asp) Colonel Sanders, founder of KFC, was turned down 1,009 times before a restaurant agreed to franchise his “Secret Recipe.” (http://yourstory.com/2012/07/the-story-of-colonel-sanders-a-man-who-started-at-65-and-failed-1009-times-before-succeeding/). Only you decide when to quit.
When I prepared for the bar exam, I imagined myself sitting and taking the exam, pencil in hand, reading questions, eliminating answers, selecting the correct answers, and bubbling circles. Behind me, I imagined all of those in my support. Shannon, Stacey, mom, dad, my sisters and brother, my grandmother and grandfather, my aunts and uncles, my friends, professors, legal relations, Dean Soifer, and even Taylor Wallace, my Kaplan rep. I imagined all of them supporting me and encouraging me. That was how I battled my fear. That and a lot of preparation.
As I prepared for the bar exam, I went from a place of fear to a place of acceptance. I realized that I had done my best and regardless and irrespective of the bar results, I was going to succeed, even if that meant taking the bar exam more times.
I also had the added pressure of knowing that if I failed the bar exam, I would lose my clerkship with Justice Wilson, a fact that I had confirmed for myself the previous spring, but that I wished that I had never been told. I imagined what would happen if I did fail the bar exam and if I did lose my job. I figured that I could probably find legal work elsewhere and we always had the unglamorous option to move back home with either the Sinton or Yarber clans. I found that this contingency planning helped to calm my fears because I realized that the bar exam was not the end-all, be-all of my life and in fact, wasn’t really that big of a deal. Look at me now, I passed the bar and I haven’t even activated my license, all it does is cost me $180 annual mandatory dues to the Hawaii Bar to remain on inactive status.
I recommend that you test around 75% on the multiple choice in your preparation. This will really boost your confidence and gives you a buffer for if you have a bad test day. It’s nice to earn ‘greens’ on the essays and MPTs. Those were hard for me to earn and I only started earning ‘greens’ a few weeks before the exam. I thought this was a motivational tactic by Kaplan, because I didn’t feel like I was writing any better, but you never know. If you even need help watching Kawena, Shannon and I are happy to take her for a half day at least once a week.
My cousin Andy introduced me to the concept of “failing forward.” Through learning from your first bar exam you are already better prepared and will need less preparation for your second bar exam. I applaud you for taking the February exam.
Now you know you weak points and strong points. Keep practicing and work through the fear. Elwen is a great resource and you have the love and support of your community.
The most important thing that you are doing is showing your progeny that Mama or Grandma or Aunty kept fighting in the face of adversity.
Congratulations Sharde! Go get ’em! I believe in you!
Author
Mahalo nui, Dave! As I read your comment, I remembered a discussion I had with my mom in deciding when I would take the bar exam again. Her reply to me was basically, “of course you’ll take it again!” I know I’m not a failure, but my mom’s reply, like your comment, reminds me of the great support that me and my family have! So thank you!
I can’t really say I have any regrets in how I studied the first time for the bar exam, and I remember feeling my ʻohana, ʻaumakua, and kūpuna with me, especially on the day of the exam. But, as I “fail forward,” there are definite areas of my studying that I will boost up a bit–like more practice with those multiple-choice questions.
Mahalo to you, Shannon, and Stacey for all of your aloha and support!
Sharde, I am always ‘wow’-ed by you. I know what it’s like to be a mom on the outside of law school, supporting a student, but there’s nothing like being a mom going through it herself – and you do it with such grace, like, “Tssk – ah, nothing to it!”
I remember when Jarrett first failed the bar exam and the devastation that that can bring. But it did later allow the way for him to relax, to know that, as Dave said – it wasn’t the end of the world, and to believe in his abilities and skills. He passed the next time, and we never really talked about that dreaded bar exam again. Life went on.
Your blog title makes me think that even now for us, now that the election is over, and things have sort of settled into some normalcy, we need to remember to “make space”, to allow for time to just BE. We’ve gotten so accustomed as a family to a go-go-go pace, that sometimes we forget what it’s like to just hang out, with no pre-planned agenda, nowhere to be. Mahalo for that reminder.
I am excited for all that life has in store for you! Go get ‘um!
Author
Mahalo nui, Kuʻu!!!! SOOO true! Life WILL go on! Interestingly, I think law school, with the go-go-go-going allllll the time, got me to do the opposite in wanting to sloowwwww down. And it may sound crazy in light of mounting student loans, but I purposely took a part-time position as my first job out of law school because I was hoping it would help in being able to “catch-up” and enjoy life. As they say, our babies will only be babies for a short limited amount of time.
Mahalo for your comment! <3
<3
Author
muuuuuaaaaaahhhhh xoxoxo<3