My birthday is coming up. This will be the first year that I will be celebrating my birthday without my Tūtū. You see, we shared the same birthday. This will be my Tūtū’s first heavenly birthday.
My Tūtū passed at the end of 2019, and I mean, what can I say? My perspective on life, on death, has forever changed. Perhaps this is part of growing up? Although I’m the oldest grandchild, I always felt like Tūtū’s baby; I think all of Tūtū’s moʻopuna would say the same.
I’m guessing that you can relate, especially if you’ve lost a loved one during the holiday season, but I found myself wanting to just get through it. I found myself trying to just hold it together to get through the holidays. I felt guilty for not being more joyful in creating a memorable holiday season for my keiki. In the end, I think we found a balance of doing our best to enjoy the holidays. But to say things are different is a huge understatement. It’s hard to even describe.
And now with our birthday approaching, I feel the same sense of holding on and just get through it feeling. But I don’t want to feel this way. I want to celebrate. I want to honor her and her legacy.
I’m thankful to not only have so many joyful memories of me and Tūtū, or my ʻohana and Tūtū, Tūtū and Papa, but also to have had our special relationship in sharing our birthday. I am thankful for the many memories of the birthdays that we did share together here on Earth. I feel selfish for still wanting her here with me, but I am also happy to know that she is reunited with my Papa.
How have you celebrated and honored a loved one after they passed on?